My mental stability, that's pretty much nothing. Seriously, I'm a fricken nut case right now and I don't even think I should be writing about it anymore. In fact, I think I need to stop using this site. Sry. I know I've said this before but after last night and what I was told I think its a good idea if I just stop using it and just stop whining. I'm done.

Everyday I wake up and I say (okay, think) this is going to be the day. This is going to be the day I'm not gonna get hurt at all. I'm gonna have a good day and nothing's going to ruin that. Thing is, that rarely actually happens. Today was almost one of those days. But now, I'm in just as bad shape. I want to cry right now. I really do. I wish I had tears. I miss having the ability to cry. How do people do this to me everyday? How can people manage to be so heartless and not even care? Or do they care? Maybe its a secret, that they care. Maybe... Ugh... You know what the worst part is? I want to stop cutting. I want to SO bad. And it seems every time I'm making progress and I'm staying strong, there it is, some day ruiner and its just gonna end up with scars on MY skin. I hate this!!!!! I'm staying strong, so far. I haven't marked up my skin, not yet. I'm gonna stay strong, for now. Ugh... why do I give my heart to people. Why do I let them destroy it? I should chain it up in my chest, never let it be held by anyone else. Ugh... I hate it because everything he said, its all true. And he didn't mean to be mean, it was proll suppsed to be sweet but it hurt. :( Doesn't he get it yet? I HATE my body. I HATE it. Why can't I do anything right? I'm sick of it...I'm never hanging out with anyone that I don't have to. I'm not gonna socialize anywhere but here. I'll go to book club and all that but I aint talking. I'm not socializing. I can't or I'll just get hurt again.

Doesn't he see? I hate my body, the comments aren't needed. I know, I aint pretty. Stop telling me. I hate my body, can't you see?

I wish there were somewhere that I could rest for eternity and never be bothered. I wish I could go up to heaven now. I want this life to be over more than ever. I just want to be in my coffin now. I just want the blackness to surround me today. I just want to say good bye forever....

Kay, I really need to start dieting again. No, its not that I want to anymore, its that I NEED to. I've gained like ten pound this week! yeah, I'm like 121.3 the highest I've like ever been! It's not acceptable. I may need diet pills if this keeps up. So, I know that for the month I'm out of town I should be fine. Can't really over eat when your just not eating anything and when your only on SlimFast. So yeah, but for the next twelve days I won't be out of town which can cause a problem. Thing is, in my efforts of avoiding Kyle and trying to be a good person by helping out my family I'm constantly stuck in my house with TONZ of food! Talk about fucking temptation. So, I need to start a good diet. Something to ease me into my camp life. My bible camp is gonna be more like a fat camp for me :P There will be plenty of excercise. A seven mile hike, things like that and Jason already said he'd eat my food for me so I don't get in trouble. So, I figure I'll be burning TONZ of calories and entering like less than fifteen so I should be able to loose atleast like 10 pounds (that means 2 pounds a day!) is this possible? I don't really know much about the human body considering I'm pathedic. So yeah, I hope its possible. Then hopefully, twenty pounds in the three weeks I'm stuck on SlimFast. Excercising will become a must. Atleast an hour a day. Walking around, that stuff will be considered excercise but there's got to be lots of it. This diets has to be succesfull. I wanna loose 30 pounds (putting me at 91) but I'll settle for twenty. When I get back to school I just know I want to be skinnier than ever before. I want people to take notice of how I aint some fat looking twelve year old but a skinny fifteen year old. Oh, I'm also going to be getting a major wardrobe update on the trip (one new outfit everyday and a trip to Mall of America, Mexico, other places). This year, I want to enter a lot more black into my wardrobe, but I still like the prepish look a little. It'll be interesting to see what I come up with. So yeah, I wanna get really motivated to get a healthier body. But I'm going to put a limit on how much I loose. I say no less that um... 83 pounds. Yeah, so less than that then someone's going to have to seriously slap me. I hope to keep a eating diary like I did during the school year, that really helped with motivation and just let me see what I was really putting into my body. So yeah... Maybe I could even loose a couple pounds before camp, that'd be nice. So lets see....

Diet Plan
Next twelve days: Cornflakes for breakfast (no added sugar)
                             No lunch
                             A small amount of whatever the family has for dinner
                             Excercise for atleast an hour. Walk/run the routine that's already set up (3.5 miles)
Camp:  Eat nothing--- give food to Jason or Kyle
                                 Excercise: running around, having a good time. Swim laps
Family trip: Small amounts of Hotel breakfast
                   No lunch, if possible
                   Dinner can be SlimFast (drink as lil as possible)
                    Excercise: 1 hour on treadmill (all the hotels should have this), swim laps