I wish I could sleep. Like a normal person. Normal people can sleep, but not me... I'm tired, it's going on the third week of shitty sleep. I think the greens affecting my energy levels because I feel sleepy a d like if I tried I'd sleep. So why ain't I trying? That, I don't really know. Typically I'm good with this shit, wow. What the he'll am k saying? Hah, I guess I'm more scatter brained then I thought plol. Ugh? Can't seem to write I here like normal... Hm...

So, confession time:
Umm I have a crush on this certain guy... Yeah, you know him. Yes, he's a sweetheart. Yup, he's got an xanga and everything ;) yup, I know you already figured how this person is... Ha. I know he's so out of my leuge and he'd never want me. Plus, he's got someone Already so it's rediculous to even have it but a.e. Feelings don't change because logic tells them to, they only change after abuse makes fhem... Hm ..

Nikis sleepy. Tawny yawnwn. Haha

Um I had something else to say but u know what, I just remebred what it waslol. Um, kinda avoiding this cminity lately, I know you peeps didn't mean anything but the truth but me nopike the truth so blah :P

Umm yup, days it.

so, I should be at skating colorguard but I'm not. I should go to school but I prolly won't. Wokeup around 2 or 3 again last night because my father refused to give me my sleeping pill. He doesn't relize how wacked up my sleep is. I get around 5 hours- on a good day- with out a pill. When I used the sleeping aid it gave me maybe an extra hour or two. Either way, I wake up in middle of the morning, typically once at two and once at four. It just varies on how long I get to stay up inbetween sleeps... But anyways...

Today is Friday, football night... I was supposed to break up with Kyle tonight. Jamie thinks that it's harsh to do that at a football game. Idk, maybe she's right... But at the same time, it seems harsher to let it keep getting closer to his b-day. He tested me last night saying I better have Mon. Free cuz we must spend it together.

I suppose, I'm being an extreme bitch. I should prolly just stay with him. Yet, if his true love is amanda and I'm stopping him from being with her, isn't that worse? I don't think I'll ever know. I can't talk to him about it or really anything. We don't talk on the phone anymore. We don't really talk at his house. We never hang at my house. We don't tyically do anything with friends anymore. So, pretty much we never talk. And if we do, I don't put any sort of input. I know, wrong of me but he doesn't like the real me. He's made it perfectly clear like a thousand times. He 'can't handle' my random outburst of laughter. He 'needs me to settle down' if I'm moving too much. Thinks I'm a suicidal bitch. And hates that I won't give him the one thing he wants, sex.

Sorry, I make him sound like a bad guy all the time. He's not a bad guy. He must care some for me because he let Amanda go and stayed with me. He puts up with people calling me a bitch 24/7. We've hung out with his friends before even. & he's still with me even though I *** and most guys can not handle that. Jamies finding that out right now actually LOL. Oh he also, let me destroy his life, take pills, & spent many of hours talking to me on the phone (more towards the begining of all this). So, he really isn't a bad guy.

Which brings me right back to, I'm a bitch. Seriously, if I let him though then Its like saying I'm not good enough for him. But, if I don't then I'm preventing him from really being happy & finding his true love. If only I knew what was going on in his mind... *sigh* why must guys be so difficult to read?